Art on Disk Webmasters

Richard and I had a disagreement over the posting of this image. Richard insisted that cat images are not in keeping with our company image of serving corporate clients and being business-like. My attitude is that many of our corporate friends have cats and enjoy fresh feline fotos. They probably take care of their pets before and after work and worry about them during the day.

Besides, this kitty is staring at you just like your boss would as he or she gives you your annual review. You can pretend that the arms are the support structure that your organization gives your boss. The “Study in Green” part is symbolic of the salary discussion you are about to engage in. Now, what were you about to say?

In 1982 I wrote and published an article in the Atlanta Multi-Image Association newsletter entitled “Buzzword” is a Buzzword.” My rant was about words and phrases that are overused, and my best example was “by the year 2000 we will stop using the phrase ‘by the year 2000,’ thank God.”

As I attend meetings, lectures, gallery openings, visits from friends and business associates, and endure endless web crawling, I am always on the lookout for “the buzz.” The buzz is the current unconsciousness that teams with over-used expressions which have caught on in the lingo of the day.

Buzzwords and phrases are stand-ins for authentic communication. They lost their best meanings long ago as they were absorbed through the skins of the crowd that uses them.

The night before last we had the fortune and misfortune to attend a Microsoft and Hewlett-Packard inspired event in downtown Atlanta concerning Microsoft’s Small Business Server 2003. The meeting was so deadly dull that we left several hours early, not even staying for the free food. My take-away from this event was this lengthy list of common corporate spin.

Here is a list of buzz phrases used in the corporate technology meeting:

1. Bring to the table – just say, “I can help you because I have knowledge in the areas you don’t.” Sometimes you hear a phrase that sounds good but doesn’t mean much. When someone “brings something to the table” let’s hope it is edible. The resources that corporate people bring to the table are just expected and assumed. We assume you are competent and have sufficient knowledge to help us out. Period. If you say you do something, don’t bring it to the table, just do it. If you can change my oil and fix my brakes, don’t tell me you bring “oil changing and brake fixing skills” to the table. I’m already convinced that you are in a business that can help me if you are competent. Just show me you can do what you say you can do.On a higher level, what I bring to the table is usually tableware. What I want is someone to give me something to take away from the table– a doggy bag perhaps. My 3 cats are always wondering what I am bringing to the table. As we rifle through local websites looking for designers, writers, printers, photographers, ad agencies and PR firms to get to know better, once in a while we run across this phrase. Boys and girls, you are wearing the table out.
2. Needs Analysis – just ask, “what do you want?” Then think about how you can take care of their issues and problems.
3. Build community – anyone or any group of people in the center of an effort helps to build community– or destroy it. This is a positive buzz phrase. Perhaps there aren’t enough people using it.
   
4. Gap filler – anyone who provides an insight or a service that is needed to aid the main thrust of an organization but is not an official part of that thrust is a gap-filler. We in the geek squad live to fill gaps.
5. Thought Leader – some of us are thought leaders, and the rest of us are dummies. This phrase subordinates most of those who use or hear it. Maybe that is O.K. George Bush and Hillary Clinton aspire to be thought leaders, in that case. If you are a leader, does that automatically make you a “thought leader?” Osama Bin Laden is a thought leader too, unfortunately.
6. Buzz Marketing + Karma Dollars – If you are good at getting a group of people to buzz about you, and you are also generous with your time and talent so you will go to heaven because of your willingness to reach out and help someone for cheaper, then you are engaging in Buzz Marketing and gaining Karma Dollars.
7. Single Cash Register Solution – as individuals we are all looking for that “single cash register solution.” Whoever thought this up?
8. Podcast – I disliked this term the first time I ever heard it. Meaningless drivel. Either you can talk into a microphone and record it on a digital device or you can’t. The only thing the word Podcast has going for it is that it takes fewer letters than “recording.” Yes, it has larger connotations, such as syndicating content (distributing it throughout the world). But that is what the Internet is for in the first place. Jeez!
9. “If you are blessed with that DNA, I’d play that card.” – This sounds special. DNA is “very trendy” right now– we are convicting and unconvicting criminals with it, we all have it, it is important invisible stuff. Heck, the FBI is probably going through my trash at this moment to collect samples from some random razor droppings or something. And with online poker gaining market share, “playing that card” is rapidly seeping its way through the gaps and into our consciousness and conversational patterns.
10. The Small Business Space – since most businesses are small businesses, and most small businesses have a lot of accounting to do and information to handle and preserve, this phrase makes sense. Almost– when we sell something in the small business space, we are constructing a portal through which we can target businesses that are fewer than a few hundred people without naming how few they are. One thing is for certain. Most small businesses desiring to gain market share strive to create buzz and appear larger in your mirror than they actually are. They are out to convince you that they provide a turnkey solution to your problems.
11. “You get all this functionality in the price-sensitive space and your take-away is an attractive financial package.” – Wow! This is the most meaningless bit of esoteric nonsense I’ve heard in a while. If it weren’t so full of buzz words and phrases I would have already been asleep long ago, except that to stay awake I am studying buzz words and phrases. In other words, if you buy a cheap transistor radio, you get lots of stations, it doesn’t cost much, and you still have money left over to buy CDs, except that now you will need a CD player.
12. Bad business model – any business schema that doesn’t make as much money as Microsoft or HP.
13. Branding – Something that sinks into your consciousness so deeply that you close a pop-up window immediately after it opens but you still know who was selling what.
14. Higher passive income – Uh huh, this is what we are all striving for from cradle to grave. The less you have to work for something to come in, the better you look to us working people, unless we are the ones working so you don’t have to. Avoid becoming a key man so you can elevate yourself above the work ethic.
15. Cradle to Grave – That period of time where you consume the earth’s natural resources and leave behind DNA in your trash. The earth is, of course, a turnkey solution. And we are all looking for “one neck to choke” when it comes to who is responsible for this mess.

Recently there’s been a shift in the supply curve towards new and better words and phrases. I need to join some new clubs so I can meet and greet, to add new buzz phrases to my list at least once a month. With this social roadmap I can walk the walk and talk the talk on my way towards becoming a thought leader.

P.S. FYI: Microsoft’s Small Business Server 2003 operating system/ server software/ network controller is indeed a fabulous tool. When installed on a good strong server, it can help a business with up to 75 employees manage their information systems and digital resources. It handles data and resource security systems, internet connectivity, domain control, built-in intranet and e-mail and database technologies. After that, what else is there?